By the time I turned 16, I had already experienced countless days filled with anxiety/panic attacks. I always felt out of control, even with my own body and mind. My anxiety attacks became so routine that I started thinking about how I could be a functioning adult (with a job, house, bills, social life). How would I accomplish my goals if I could barely get through one school day?
I felt like I was being controlled by some force greater than myself and that I couldn’t get excited about life. I was slowly becoming a victim of my own minds power. It truly is so mind blowing, how powerful our minds are! Everyday felt so predictable and I was always in survival mode. I was experiencing what every other teen goes through; the hormones, body changes, coming into your own and feeling that intimidating sense of being in limbo from childhood and adulthood.
But, add having 10+ panic attacks every day- in which I would do my best to keep a poker face, while feeling like I was dying on the inside. It’s really hard to put into words the physical feeling of having 10 panic attacks a day while trying to pay attention in class, have a social life, etc. Being a teen is such a vulnerable and pivotal time in one’s life. I really started worrying about how I would live a fulfilled life if my days were spent pinching my hands under my desk and asking my teacher if I could “go to the bathroom”.
Towards the end of High School, I really started getting nervous. I felt like someone was pushing me towards the edge of a cliff and I was trying to dig my heels into the ground. I wasn’t ready. I could feel it. I think society puts such a pressure on teens to have it all figured out by a certain age, that every year around the sun immediately relates to- what have you done? What have you accomplished? It’s like the ages 16,18,21 and 25 are dictated by the “idea” of what the world wants. I certainly didn’t fit that. By the time I graduated High School, I felt like I had lived two separate lives. One: doing normal teen things and going to school. The Other: dealing with anxiety and going on a journey of self -discovery. I never resonated with academics, and I feel now that I was meant to focus more on the healing, inner work path.
Once I graduated, I decided to move down t o LA and attend a community college. I wanted to prove to myself that I could get the good grades to transfer to an awesome 4 year. I thought, “Well, If it’s in a different environment than High School- maybe I’ll do better? Because I know how to control my anxiety now”. I moved into an apartment with five other girls and it slowly became very hard to get stuff done. We all were 18 and straight out of High School, so it was a lot of partying and just being so excited to be in Los Angeles. It was a lot of going out, having movie nights, guys over and just different schedules. It became very hard to get schoolwork done, workout and stay on top of self -care. I slowly developed sleep anxiety, because I kept getting woken up by my roommate or the people above us.
I started assuming that, since I got bad sleep the night before, then it would be the same tonight. It really took over my life and it was hard to get much done on 4/5 hours of sleep. After trying every holistic remedy out there, I came across guided meditations on Youtube. They put me right to sleep! Cut to a few months later- I started having second thoughts about College. I couldn’t escape these gut feelings of “School is not my path, I’m meant for more”. It was as if the universe was tapping on my shoulder and I was shutting it down with self- doubt/fear. After ignoring for a while longer, I actually became physically sick. It was a crazy six month long health scare that really took a toll on me mentally. I had always been an upbeat, fun person. But now, I had turned tried and scared. I tried 19 different antibiotics, was in & out of the ER, in bed most days and slowly failing College. It felt like the twilight zone and I kept getting misdiagnosed.
One day it was Endometriosis, the next it was an STD. It was awful and I lowered to a level of hopelessness I never thought possible. My anxiety also started kicking back up….I was a ball of anxiety, depression, fear and dread. It was this health scare that really made me realize that I HAD to focus my energy on what I COULD control. I had to build from the ground up. After having a session with the Medical Medium, Anthony Williams, I began to heal. It kinda confirmed what I had already been thinking, that I am a sensitive person and really intuitive. I did have an illness, but my body was going through an upgrade.
That health scare gave me a newfound confidence and I built my life from the ashes. I turned my pain into my purpose. I pushed past any doubt or fear because I knew that my body could react to me ignoring my gut feelings. How mindblowing! It was a long, unpredictable journey of letting go and listening to my heart- but it was so worth it. I am committed to being a voice for those who don’t have one. My life was all meant to be and I’ve learned just how strong and beautiful I really am. I want to spread my advice and positive energy all across this world.